Asking for a friend - what do you do when you’re not having to constantly be on guard and monitoring compliance of your child’s accommodations at school? How do you learn to “be okay” when you find yourself in a school system that values your child, just as they show up each day. Because this whole not having to fight like my kid’s wellbeing depends on it? It’s a super weird and truthfully uncomfortable feeling. By the way - it’s me. I’m the friend!
If you’ve been following the blog this last year, you know by now that our struggles with the education system in Texas is one of the bigger reasons we moved when an incredible job opportunity opened up for me in Georgia. Friends, for literally 5 school years we fought for our child. That’s 5 years on top of the 3 years of trying to partner with doctors and persuade them to listen to us, the experts on our child, just not the expert on neuroscience and child development. And now…we’re in a school system that we don’t have to fight. There were hiccups last spring (ok, that’s being generous - there were some big challenges at the beginning). But now that we’re in our home and settled into the school where the kids are supposed to be with the right staff and support in place, it’s eerily quiet. The fight isn’t there, for the first time in a really, really long time. 8 years, to be exact. I’ve found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop and it just…hasn’t.
Years ago I remember reading a study where scientists at The University of Wisconsin-Madison compared the cortisol (stress hormone) levels of moms of autistic children to soldiers who had been on multiple combat tours. There was very little difference in how the two group’s hormone levels showed signs of chronic stress and a maxed out nervous system. I truly think that’s when I realized neurodiverse parents like myself need a level of support that parents of typically developing children don’t need. One of my biggest supports through the years has been therapy for myself. In those spaces I can bring all of my fears, tears, and feelings about the parenting journey we’ve been on. I’ve been lucky enough to work with some truly incredible therapists who have helped me learn the strategies, coping skills, and just held space for me each session to grow into the Mom I am today. It’s still a journey, which leads me to this week.
I asked my wonderful therapist the question I started the post with - what do you do when you’re not having to constantly be on guard and defend your child at school? When it comes to the education system, my default brain mode has been to go straight to fight. Not physically, but through UMPTEEN meetings, emails, phone calls, and appeals. There wasn’t a flight option and certainly not a choice to freeze. Here’s what I love about my therapist: she didn’t give me the typical answer of “let’s sit with that feeling for a bit”. We’ve done plenty of sitting with and working through the feelings, trust and believe. Instead, she challenged me to start looking for and calling out more of the whimsy and joy in life to rewire the neurons in my brain to move from being on guard to being at rest and calm. Joy and advocacy can co-exist.
We talked about the concept of whimsy because it’s one of my favorite words and ideas right now. Whimsy is defined by a playfulness, a lightheartedness, especially around ideas, imagination, and creativity. For example: to me, bubbles are the epitome of whimsy. They literally do nothing but bring joy (and teach kids how to take calming breaths, but that’s not the point here)! She really pushed me to look for ways to find more playfulness in my life. If my brain is playful and lighthearted, it’s really hard for it to access its survival instincts.
So now, I’m chasing whimsy instead of the warpath. For me, it looks like saying yes to new friends who include me in a Friendsgiving and not stressing that the cake I baked didn’t turn out just right.
Whimsy looks like making silly reels on Instagram just because I was thrilled that I filled up my car for less than $60 and making up the phrase “Treat Yo Self Thursday”.
Whimsy looks like standing in the sun for a few minutes longer on my walk back from lunch. Noticing the startling blue of the sky and the crunch of the leaves.
Whimsy is smiling from ear to ear every morning simply because I’m experiencing a true fall season for the first time in my life at the age of 40.
Fall at the cutest and best Farmer’s Market!
In each of these moments, I’m moving from fight and panic to joy and peace in my brain and honestly, in my soul. It’s not easy some days. There are days where I feel like I’m actually fighting my brain to get out of the survival responses. And yet…the whimsy is still there, waiting to be discovered.
Wherever you find yourself on the journey of parenting and life, make time for joy.
Make time for peace.
Look for the whimsy.
Love you, mean it, friends.