Parenting is hard. The end.
Well, let’s just be really real for a few minutes. Parenting is hard. I know my generation of parents is starting to be more open and vocal about this but there are days (weeks) like this one where it’s easy to feel like you’re in a silo and it’s only hard for you and your family. As I told my therapist this week, “Cognitively, I know _____. But in my heart and emotionally, I cannot connect those dots.” Cognitively and logically, I know we are not the only ones in the absolute trenches of the school year, STAAR test anxieties, and bus seat draaaaaaaaama. (Along with one “rescued” toad, a trapped foot under a large rock, and the Costco delivery guy forgetting paper plates from our order…defcon 1 over here, folks. Paper plates are LIFE.) Again, logically, I know we are not the only family dealing with parenting chaos. Emotionally, it is hard to remember at times.
But Why Is Parenting Hard?
Sometimes I think Millennials get a lot of crap for “complaining” about how hard parenting is. We’re not all “snowflakes”, Bob! Let me lay out a bit of history and context for you about events that have shaped, in general, most Millennials parenting:
We were in middle school when the first major school shooting happened at Columbine. Little did we know it would be the first of many, unfortunately.
We were high school students when 9/11 happened. I was in Senora Lopez’s Spanish II class and working on building our cardboard houses to label all of the household items in Spanish. I can tell you almost word for word what our principal called over the intercom. I remember the TV strapped to the wheeled cart being brought in as she struggled through tears to explain what had happened. (And our principal was a freaking rockstar of a leader. Kids and adults alike respected her. But to see her in tears, understandably so, is a vivid memory.)
Many of us saw our family members and friends go fight in a really long, complex war. Some of us experienced the loss of those same family and friends; others had those we love come back injured in numerous ways.
We were in or just graduating college during the economic crash of 2008. We held tight to our newly minted diplomas and looked for jobs wherever we could. Some of us were able to find jobs and started to “figure life out”.
We’re the last generation to remember NOT having 24/7 access to the internet and cell phones. We had to keep track of the number of actual text messages we sent or minutes we talked to not pay extra. You guys?! What in the actual world. Do you remember this? “HoldOnI’mOutOfMinutes.CallMeAfter9:00PM.K,BYE.” How many times did I say that in college and my early teaching career? A LOT.
We saw the first Black American President elected. Not just once, but twice. For some of us, that felt like hope and progress towards racial equity in our country.
We have since experienced so many political and historical unprecedented events I have honestly lost count, including but not limited to watching our nations’ capital be overrun, the world hovering around WWIII, and whatever in the world is going on with the economy now.
We experienced our very first global pandemic while a lot of us were having our first or second child. March 13, 2020. The last day of “normalcy” for me in education. We had a 3 year old and a 9 month old. For The Youngest, we were transitioning her to formula and there was a specific kind that she could tolerate (Shout out to Costco for keeping that in stock the whole dang time!). I still can feel the anxiety creeping up in my throat when people were just buying mass amounts of everything at the grocery store. What has been a pleasant experience for me with grocery shopping pre-pandemic now got passed to The Husband because it was just. too. much.
The meteoric rise of social media and now seeing its impact on us and the teens in our lives. Fun fact: I was the last one in my college pod of rooms to create a Facebook account and the girlies screamed when I finally did. Geez. Be cool, be cool. Remember “poking” on Facebook? What a weird time.
When you take all of those events combined, you’re left with a lot of anxious parents who are wanting to raise emotionally strong and secure children who won’t be total jerks in society as they grow up. Tall order. Especially when you look at the research about families being more geographically spread out now than ever before. The support, for a lot of us, just isn’t there like it used to be for generations past. So, you look for things in your everyday life that are saving your life and making things just a little bit easier.
What Is Saving Your Life This Week
This is one of my favorite questions to hear the answers to and when I used to host my podcast, I borrowed it from one Jen Hatmaker who borrowed it from the Queen of Spiritual Literature, Barbara Brown Taylor. What is saving your life this week? The answers always ranged from silly to serious to downright hilarious. For me, it changes depending on the week, so these answers will definitely change and you’ll see a post like this again from time to time. But not too often, I promise.
Community: this will always be top of my Saving My Life list. As Brene Brown is famous for saying, “We are wired for connection and belonging.” Our DNA literally craves connection. If you’re anything like me though, you don’t crave the shallow, surface level stuff that masquerades as connection. You need the real and raw, hope and fear coexisting, permission to show up less than (_FITB_) connections. For me, that community comes from a close group of girlfriends who are spread out between New England, Florida, and here locally in Texas. I’m lucky to have fostered friendships where we have total permission and grace with each other to go a few weeks without a text and then we pick right back up. Some of us text every day because we are each other’s everyday support system. We reach out when we need to, always.
Coffee: But let me explain. My first cup of coffee on school days is typically around 5:45am. The light above the stove is on and that’s it. The kids haven’t had to be awakened for school yet and it is so beautifully quiet. I give myself the gift of that quiet 5 mornings a week and while my coffee brews, I try to just be still. As in not move, clean, or do anything. That is very, very hard for me. But worth it, I’m learning. I’m not a complicated coffee drinker. I like black coffee with my collagen protein powder (#ElderMillenial) and some half and half. That’s it. No flavorings, no sugar. And that first sip is amazing. The calm before the chaos.
My Hammock Chair: Specifically, outside, looking up at the sky through the limbs of the super, super old oak tree in our backyard and watching the sunset in the evenings. We have approximately 6 weeks of enjoyable weather in Texas. Six weeks. And I enjoy the heck out of almost every evening that the pollen isn’t attacking me. But honestly there is something so calming and regulating for me to sit, swing in my little chair, and just listen to the birds settle in, the neighbor’s pool gurgling, and the wind chimes from a house down the block. I try not to be on my phone or if I am, I’m reading a for funsies book.
Each of these things, for me, is a huge part in my recovery and road to wellness from a burnt black toast level of burnout. As I told The Oldest Child tonight, I’m not a perfect parent. I get really frustrated some days. And my hope is that you will always know how much I love you (and The Youngest) and that it’s okay to not be perfect.
To all the parents out there just trying your dang best, you’re seen. You’re doing a freaking amazing job.
With you and for you,
JoEllen