Summer Parenting: The Neurodiversity Edition
A friend emailed me this week about some work stuff and I just had to chuckle as I read her opening sentence, “JoEllen, I hope you are enjoying the change of schedule - notice that I did not say change of pace - that summer brings.” I chuckled because not only is she my friend, she’s also a mentor in my life as a professional working Mom and someone who has raised neurodiverse kids who are now adults living great lives. I laughed because she is 100% spot on. Summer for any type of family brings a different schedule but not always a different change of pace. Add in a hefty scoop of neurodiversity and you quickly learn that summer is going to look different for your family. And please keep in mind, friends, around here different is NOT bad. Different is just that - different.
As a Mom of neurodiverse children, our lives look different because they have to, especially with the ages of our kids. Our oldest is already at an age where my husband and I can look back and say, “Wow, a year or 2 ago, that totally would’ve blown up in our faces” and we can see how our son has made progress with his communication and self-regulation. And still, our entire thought process as parents is different. One of the most recent examples of this popped up over Father’s Day weekend. I am the luckiest (and #blessed) wife to have a husband and true partner in parenting. Is he perfect? Absolutely not and he’s the first to tell me and our kids that. Is he trying his very best to parent in ways that are new and unfamiliar to him? He sure is. One of his greatest strengths, in my opinion, is his ability to acknowledge that he has messed up and have the conversation to repair the relationship. So for Father’s Day we planned to take a trip to the Dallas area to visit one of his very dear friends and send the Dad Friends golfing. However, what we didn’t anticipate were unplanned invites to events that our friend’s family had very graciously extended to myself and the kids to join in on. When we travel, even just for a 2 night “small trip”, the amount of prep work is still A LOT with our kids. I know this is not unique to neurodiverse families. Any parent worth their salt knows the value of prepping kids for a change in schedule, environment, and routine. So, I had prepped the kids that while Daddy is golfing, we get to hang out at the really cool hotel pool, eat lunch by the pool, and have a quiet reset time later in the afternoon before meeting up with Daddy and our friends for dinner. When we got invited to join in on the plans with our friend’s family, we had to quickly make a decision. Do what was best for our kids so we could all enjoy dinner together or throw a wild card in and join in on an activity that would be in a very stimulating environment for both kids and possibly hijack the entire rest of the trip. (Please know I am not being dramatic here. I really am not. This is our reality). As much as I wanted to hang out with our friends and join in with them, I knew the best choice for our little family of 4 was to say, “Thank you so much for inviting and including us - we really appreciate that! We’ve talked about a really fun pool afternoon with the kids so we’re going to stick to those plans and are super looking forward to dinner!” These friends have also stood shoulder to shoulder with us through some of the hardest moments in our parenting and navigating complex family dynamics so I knew they would accept that answer with no guilt or hesitation. And guess what? We had the best time at dinner and also threw in the wild card of staying up way past bedtimes to enjoy ice cream and conversations. Different isn’t bad. Summer Parenting in Neurodiversity world is just plain different.
Summer Parenting
Parenting in the summer with neurodiverse children, for me, is harder than parenting during the school year. During the school year, at least during the week, we are on a heavily regimented schedule that keeps all of us moderately sane. I started off with that statement from my friend about the different schedule because yes, we are still on a schedule. I wrote about our summer schedule here and I hope it was helpful to even one person! We lean heavily into the 80/20 principle during the summer - 80% of the time we are spot on with our schedule and 20% we are flexing with what work schedules need to have happen and what the kids need that day. For example, this week our kids got to attend a super fun all day camp that ran from 7:45am-4:00pm. This is one of two weeks of an all day camp for them. We’re 4 summers into this camp thing with our son and we’ve figured out with him that all day, full time camp is not the winning combination. A half day camp with activities that he enjoys (basketball and sports primarily) and with coaches/teachers he has built a relationship with over the last 3 summers works best for him and still gives him enough gas in the tank to self-regulate and communicate. And yet he really does love this specific all day camp! What works about it is that the camp staff is VERY well trained to work with neurodiverse campers. It’s run by volunteers because it’s a Vacation Bible School camp at a local church and gosh do they love and serve kids well that week! Earlier this week my husband and I were talking about plans for this weekend and we both looked at each other and said, “Plan nothing for the kids. They will be exhausted and people’d out!” And here we are headed into Friday and we’re spot on. Again, I think this can be true for a lot of kids. It’s common to get tired out after a full week of making new friends, having a ton of fun, and making memories! However, in our circle of friends, we know a lot of kids who will also get up on Saturday morning and play a full sports tournament and be tired yet still able to pretty easily regulate and communicate.
For now…that’s not our reality. And with a lot of help along the way, I am making my peace with it. There are times where I so badly wish that was our reality. But then I realize I wouldn’t get to see the world through the eyes of my truly amazing children. Eyes that have taught me how to notice the smallest details of things. To slow down and be more present. Hands that are so good at finishing tasks when sometimes my brain tends to flit from one project to the next and then back to the original one. Is parenting in general hard? Yes. Full stop. Is neurodiverse parenting during the summer a different level of hard? Also yes, full stop. Is this whole parenting thing teaching me so much of what I need to get better at in life? It sure is.
So, to all my fellow parents of neurodiverse kiddos, here’s what I will leave you with to help with the Summer Parenting: Neurodiversity Edition. Find your tribe. Find the people who will love you and your kids well and whole, just as you are. Who understand when you have to say no to an invite, it has nothing to do with them and everything about what has gone on in your family the last 24-48 hours. Find the people in your circles who text you and say, “hey, we want to have the kids for a few hours. What’s a good day for you?”. Find the ones who will show up with pizza on one of the hardest nights of your parenting journey and hug you tight while you cry in your kitchen. Find the people who invite themselves along to events because they know you’d probably never ask them and they come with the sole intent to be two extra sets of helping hands. That’s our reality that we’ve worked really hard to build and for that, I’m forever grateful. And it’s a huge piece of how we do Summer Parenting: The Neurodiversity Edition. And, when all else fails, we set up the Costco blow up pool in the backyard, lather on the sunscreen, and let them just be kids for awhile. Water, sunshine, and popsicles. It’s a full Summer Parenting reset recipe.
Love you, mean it, friends.
